Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in fl_girl_in_iowa's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
3:13 pm	The Bucket List The Bucket List. Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not. Things you have done during your lifetime: ( )Gone on a blind date ( )Skipped school ( )Watched someone die (X)Been to Canada ( )Been to Mexico (X)Been to Florida ( )Been to Hawaii (X)Been on a plane ( )Been on a helicopter (X)Been lost ( )Been to the Four Corners (X)Gone to Washington, DC (X)Swam in the ocean (X)Cried yourself to sleep (X)Played cops and robbers ( )Recently colored with crayons ( )Sang Karaoke ( )Paid for a meal with coins only ( )Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch (X)Done something you told yourself you wouldn't. ( )Made prank phone calls ( )Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans (X)Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere (X)Caught a snowflake on your tongue (X)Danced in the rain (X)Written a letter to Santa Claus (X)Watched the sunrise with someone (X)Blown bubbles (X)Gone ice-skating (X)Gone to the movies (X)Been deep sea fishing ( )Driven across the United States ( )Been in a hot air balloon ( )Been sky diving ( )Been parasailing ( )Gone snowmobiling ()Lived in more than one country (X)Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets ()Seen a falling star and made a wish ( )Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser (X)Seen the Statue of Liberty ( )Seen the Northern Lights ( )Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle (X)Been on a cruise (X)Traveled by train ( )Traveled by motorcycle (X)Been horse back riding ( )Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR ( )Been to Disneyland (X)Been to Disney World (X)Truly believe in the power of prayer ( )Been in a rain forest ( )Seen whales in the ocean (X)Been to Niagara Falls (X)Ridden on an elephant ( )Swam with dolphins ( )Been to the Olympics ( )Walked on the Great Wall of China ( )Saw and heard a glacier calf ( )Been spinnaker flying ( )Been water-skiing (sort of)Been snow-skiing (X)Been to Westminster Abbey ( )Been to the Louvre ( )Swam in the Mediterranean (X)Been to a Major League Baseball game (maybe)Been to a National Football League game ( )Seen the Berlin Wall ( )Been to Disneyland Paris ( )Been face to face with a sea turtle in the ocean (x)Made someone you love cry (X)Worried about your own sanity (X)Thrown something when you were angry (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 15th, 2009
3:50 pm	-8 degrees and it feels like -28 degrees. why do I live in Iowa again? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 19th, 2008
8:53 pm	The good people of the world... So we got 1/4 inch of ice and 2.5 inches of snow last night and we were out shoveling tonight. It was a real bitch because of the ice underneath. After an hour or so we weren't done yet and this guy driving a bobcat type thing that plows snow (yes I am showing my ignorance about winter things) was coming down our road and stopped and asked us if we wanted him to take care of the last part that we hadn't done yet (most of the sidewalk and part of the driveway). We must have looked so pathetic. It was awesome. I gave him $20. Nothing has ever been more worth $20 in my life. We were so tickled by the whole thing because it was just such a nice thing and so welcome at that moment. I love it that good people exist in this world. :) Oh and by the way, tonight's shoveling experience convinced us we need a snowblower. But Grandma sent us money for Christmas, so basically she bought us a snowblower for Christmas. :) (Comment on this)
Monday, September 29th, 2008
8:48 pm	He Listens... So I sat down and talked with Scott this morning. Turns out he really listened to what I had to say on Friday and took some time to think about it. We had a good conversation this morning, with both of us being honest about things. He even admitted to having taken me for granted... my work is going well and I never brought anything up, so he never took the time to notice that things might not be as good as they seem. He talked about what I had said about the negativity as well. He agreed that everyone needs positive feedback and acknowledged that he was not doing his part on that front. I told him flat out that what we need more than anything is to hear something positive. That that would give us so much more motivation. I also said that I need to focus on my two projects that, as we discussed on Friday, are most likely to get me papers sooner. He agreed and we went over a list of things to do which should keep me busy for the next three weeks/month. We implemented weekly meetings, as I need these to keep myself focused better and this way we can discuss how things are going and make modifications to the to-do list. He was very receptive to what I had to say and it was obvious that he really thought about what I said on Friday. I believe that it really took me saying I was going to leave and walk away from 3.5 years of work to make him step back and think. I think that if I had just gone to him with my concerns that it would not have had the same impact and may have been dismissed more easily. And the fact that I had really been so serious about leaving that I had contacted my director and started to set things up made it very real. I truly think that this will bring some much needed change. For the first time in a long time, I had a good day at work. :) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 27th, 2008
2:04 pm	In A Bizarre Turn of Events... I have decided to stay in Scott's lab and finish the PhD. Thursday was a crazy day. I'd made my decision to leave and I talked to Kathie (my therapist) about it and she said it was good that I was doing something to help myself and be happy again. I was confident. But I made the mistake of telling the two senior members of the lab my decision and they were both really adamantly against me leaving. They kept saying how Scott really likes me and how he would change for me and try to make thing better. Kailash in particular was determined to at least tell Scott that us grad students were having trouble communicating with him. I kept asking him not to go to Scott. I had my plan and I just needed to deal with things my own way. Well they just kept pressuring me and I felt the walls closing in. I totally freaked out and literally grabbed all my stuff and ran out of the lab, out of the building and sequestered myself in this little area by some benches that's reasonably secluded. I just cried and cried and I couldn't stop. Apparently they were all really worried about me. Well after I left Kailash just couldn't keep his mouth shut apparently and told Scott that there were some communication problems. He didn't tell him I was planning to leave. Thankfully Stella left me a voicemail Thursday night to let me know what Kailash had said. Apparently Scott was really surprised and was even more surprised that I was having problems. So once I knew that I realized I would have no choice but to tell him my decision Friday. I was totally freaked out all night Thursday and first thing when I got up Friday morning. I just kept crying. But I called my Jackie (the director) and filled her in and she talked with me for a bit. I went for my doctor's appt to get my anxiety meds and talked to Dr. Evans for a while. I got my prescription filled there and took one before I went into the lab. Not too long after I got there Scott came in to talk to Puja about something and I decided that I had to talk to him then or I'd lose my nerve. So we went into his office and I said I'd been feeling very uncomfortable coming to work for some time and that I'd decided I needed to leave. He was SO shocked. He kept almost arguing with himself as to whether or not he should try to persuade me to stay or if he just shouldn't say anything since I'd made that decision. But he said that he was really surprised and wished that I had to come to talk to him. He said that he really likes me and that I do really good work and I'm so close to getting some stuff published and that he really didn't want me to go. I seriously have never heard so many good things about me come from him ever. He actually started to cry. Seriously. It was the craziest thing ever. And he had to go proctor an exam, but he said he hoped I would reconsider and he hugged me before he left. I was so shocked at his reaction that I took some time to think about it on Friday. I really had not expected that at all. I decided that maybe if both of us are willing to do things a little differently to make it work then it might be worth it. I know that I need to have some guts and be able to talk to him, but I need him to be a little more positive. It's great that he really believes in me, but I need to hear that sometimes. So we're going to talk on Monday and I'm going to focus on my screen so that I can get something good published on that and work some on the vacuolar transporter stuff that I'm working on with Kailash so that we can get that one out there, too. Maybe then I can actually get the hell out of here. It's going to take work and I know I'm going to have the be the one who's more assertive, but I think I can do that. The way I look at it at this point is that I have had the hardest discussion with him that probably exists and so it's all downhill from here. And Bryon's proud of me for finally talking to Scott. It's what he's been trying to get me to do all along. But I was just too afraid. I think maybe I just needed to know that someone would catch me if I fell. I needed to know that someone was supporting me no matter what the outcome. Only time will tell, but I'm going to do my best. He's the Jabberwocky and I'm Alice and I'm not afraid of him anymore. Period. (I need to keep telling myself this, but at least I'm really starting to believe it!) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
8:45 pm	A Decision So I have made the decision to leave the lab and start in a new one. I emailed my program director tonight. I am totally freaked out. But I think it will be better in the end. Now I wait and see if any of the faculty whom I listed would be willing/able to take me. I gave her 4 names that I am most interested in and I figured I'd see from there. There are three others that I would consider, but they wouldn't be my first choice. These first 4 I have in no particular order as I think I would be happy with the work and the people. Two are people with whom I rotated and they didn't get money at that time. One is on my committee and the other just does cool stuff with cell-cell adhesion that I think would be really interesting. Will keep everyone posted... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:12 am	Thoughts on the can of worms... I'm really scared about this whole thing. It's a huge deal and it seriously freaks me out. I don't think I'll feel relief until I make my exit from the lab and I am really free. I can't believe that I'm planning to throw away all this work and start over. And I know that if someone does at some point publish this stuff that my name won't be on it. And despite how unfair that may be, I actually don't care. How sad. But I feel that getting out of a bad situation is more important. Still freaks me out. I'm really glad I should be getting some more anxiety meds this Friday because I REALLY need it right now more than ever. At least I have Sarah to talk to. Since she's been through it all before, she totally knows how I'm feeling, literally exactly how I'm feeling. We talked for over an hour last night and I felt better talking to her and having everything I'm feeling and thinking about confirmed. Our lab atmosphere is truly fucked up. I'm sure there will be more thoughts to follow... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
9:00 pm	Can of Worms Update... So the meeting went well this morning. I talked to both the program directors and they totally heard me out. Apparently I said pretty much the same thing that Sarah said to Minnetta (previous director) when she was thinking of leaving, as Minnetta said so this morning. Basically my options are as follows: 1. forget all I've just said and stick it out (yeah, not actually an option but should be included) 2. get a Master's but that means staying in Scott's lab to finish up for another year (my estimate for how long it would take to finish one of my million projects and write a thesis) 3. move to a different lab with the mentor knowing up front where I'm at and what my situation is, so that I would pick up a project that will get me somewhere and I will still be able to finish the PhD in about 2.5 years. So I'm thinking door #3. I'd still get to get my PhD, always nice since I've put in this much time. I'd have an end point. (which incidentally is about the same amount of time I'd expect it would take me to tie up all my loose ends in Scott's lab and get out anyway) I know that the program would follow up on me and make sure all is okay. I get to pick a new committee. I'd have about 3 months before I'd have to write a shortened dissertation plan and meet with the committee. Another thing about all of this is that no matter what, Jackie (current director) is going to have to talk to Scott. They requested to talk to Stella (another grad student in my lab who's also in my program but two years behind me). I know they want to see how she's doing and see if she'd like other options as well. Since Jackie has to talk to Scott no matter what, even if I wanted to stay and get my Master's I'd have to deal with him every day and I think that once this all comes out it would be even more uncomfortable. I talked to Sarah on the phone tonight for over an hour. She said it really sucks when you have to face him and he pretty much says that he's sorry he wasted so much time on you, etc, etc, but then at least it's over. I'm totally TERRIFIED of having to face him. But I guess it's inevitable. Sometimes it is just important to think of your own happiness rather than to endure negativity that is just another way of killing yourself. Will keep everyone posted on how things progress... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:36 am	Can Open... Worms Possibly Everywhere... So I've decided that I am tired of being unhappy all the time on the work front. I'm tired of dreading going to work and feeling my heart pound and my stomach knot the closer I get to my building. I'm tired of feeling like nothing I do at work is ever good enough. So I've talked to Bryon and to my parents last weekend about trying to get a Master's and get the hell out. Everyone supports me. Life is too short to feel like this all the time. So first thing yesterday I went and talked to our program administrative assistant who's been around for a long time and knows... I told her how I've been feeling and why and we talked for about 40 minutes. She said she'd hate to see me leave without a PhD as I've already been here 4 years, which I totally understand. She set up a meeting for me with the current director of my program and the previous director for this morning at 9:30. Our previous director was here when Sarah left our lab for similar reasons as what I'm bringing up now. So she knows. I'm hoping I'll be able to figure out what my options are this morning or at least soon. But I think it's important that they know we all feel like this. I'm too scared of Scott's reaction to speak to him directly about it, but maybe this way they can approach him about it.. I have not talked to Scott about any of this at all, though my lab mates know what's going on. I'm terrified of what will happen when they say something to him about it. I'm afraid he's just going to drop me. But at least if that happens I'll the program's support and we'll be able to work out something. I'm going to go take one of my anxiety meds right now because I woke up this morning around 5:30 just thinking about all this stuff and I've been kind of jumpy. I am going to try to get an appt with my therapist for Thursday afternoon and I have an appt with my doctor who helps me with the anxiety meds on Friday. I guess we'll see... (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 16th, 2008
11:20 am	Florida Glad to be here. Feels surreal. Had quite the trip getting here with the severe weather delays in Atlanta on Sunday. Got to WPB at 2:30am. Got the condo (10-15 minutes away) at 5:30am... lost luggage...rental car shuttle not showing up... Luggage eventually was delivered Monday at 8pm and mom and I took off from WPB and headed to Melbourne. Tomorrow will be back in WPB/Boca to visit friends, which I am excited about. Will be back in MLB Friday and then leave to go back to IA on Sunday. Hopefully will not be stuck in Atlanta. I have been enjoying vacation time with all sorts of time laze around and read leisure books and play with the menagerie. Hope everyone is doing well. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
8:54 am	hating things just pissed off that we are not supposed to be at work (as per university policy) but my boss apparently thinks he's above this and said the email we all got yesterday reminding everyone that unless it is ESSENTIAL that you be there that we are all to remain at home through Sunday. he says this is "junk mail and that if they really want us out that she's (the provost) going to have to come to his office and tell him to leave" it's freezing in the lab and it makes me feel sick by the middle/end of the day. even with a sweater and fleece. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 1st, 2008
5:53 am	27 Hard to believe I'm 27 already. I remember when I was 18 and I just wanted to be in my 20s. Should be a fun day. We're going to move stuff out of the storage unit today and we have a tee time at 3. Golf will be interesting. We played once in Jamaica and I haven't played since then. Bryon played once more on his fishing trip with his dad early in May. Will be an adventure, I'm sure! We picked up keys and garage door openers yesterday when we went by the house. I feel so grown up having my own garage door opener. (I know that's goofy) We met the neighbor yesterday. She's very nice. She has three daughters who I think she said were all graduate students or something like that so they're kind of in and out. Apparently she's a social worker at the VA hospital and recognized Bryon from when he was a resident. I think it'll be a good match for neighbors. And she said they never heard a peep from next door. I guess these places are not made with thin walls like the apartments. :) Oh and we have good toilets! (Yes, I know, goofy, but the toilets in Bryon's apt clog for no good reason, it's like they don't like toilet paper) It will be so good once we're all moved in. With two small cars it takes a lot of trips to move stuff! I took over two carloads yesterday and Bryon one and it seems like we hardly moved anything! But it will get there. We decided to switch the rooms we were planning for bedroom vs office. Mostly because even though the room we were originally planning to have as an office it a little smaller, it's more of a square shape vs long, so we can more easily have a tv in the bedroom. This is very important to both of us apparently! :) There are just so many nights when we're tired and want to be able to curl up in bed and watch tv or a movie so we can fall asleep at our leisure. We went and looked at flat screen tvs yesterday. My tv is too big to fit on my dresser so we're going to get a flat screen for the bedroom. Anyway, I can't believe I'm not sleeping in again today. Yesterday we were up before 6am just because we woke up. Today was no different for me. Bryon's still sleeping, so I want to let him sleep. Anyway, I will try to post later about how the day went.... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 24th, 2008
12:16 pm	Reason #116 Loud music and loud fights in the middle of the night. As usual our young whippersnapper neighbors had the music going at midnight. Bryon and I both woke up and he actually got up and got dressed and went over to ask them to turn it down. Which they did. Then I couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up and went into the living room to read. Around 1:30am a bunch of guys from next door (same place) were yelling and arguing at the top of their lungs outside in the parking lot. I was seriously expecting to hear gun shots or something. It woke up Bryon, too. Thank God it's only two more weeks! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
8:23 pm	FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I'm freeeeeee! :) My presentation and committee meeting went well. The committee meeting went loads better than last year. Now I can actually start thinking about moving. But for now I'm going to bed at 8:30 because I'm totally beat and falling asleep as I write..... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 19th, 2008
11:29 pm	Too much caffeine So I've had too much coffee tonight trying to stay up and work on my seminar presentation. I feel gross now. Going to try to get to sleep... (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
8:06 am	Blah Not too much to update really. I've been sick for the past 4 days and stayed home from work Thursday and Friday. I'm all congested and coughing. It's not nice. But Bryon was home Thursday and Friday since he working overnight Thursday, so he went to the store to get me medicine and juice. It was really sweet. The boss was gone for about a week, which was awesome. I love it when he's gone. The atmosphere around the lab is just so much more relaxed. About time to start updating my seminar and getting my progress report for my committee meeting done. Both are on May 21st. The clock is ticking... (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 12th, 2008
5:38 pm	Hmm...how about a happy post? So I've been feeling a ton better. Last week (week of the seminar) I took that Friday off since Bryon had the day off, too. We went up to Ames to Iowa State and he showed me around where he used to live and we walked around the campus some. I got the see the frat house where he lived for one semester (yeah, turns out he loves that stuff as much as me!). We went to this little cafe where he used to study. It was such a great place! I wish we had one in Iowa City! We had dinner at O'Malley McGee's (the Mexican restaurant where Bryon worked in college as head cook) and the food was great. We spent the rest of the weekend in DSM with Bryon's mom. Saturday we just went out and ran around to various places and then had dinner at Jeff and Pennie's and had another go at Scrabble with them... Jeff won again... It was so good to get away. This past week has been better, too. And Scott really didn't say anything bad about my talk. Which was good. I was freaking out Sunday night because I didn't want to know what he was going to say. He just said that I need to try to relax at the beginning and not to rock back and forth on my feet when I'm presenting. Apparently I get this from my mom, as I told her about this today and she said she used to do the same thing when she gave presentations! :) Finished a new book which was really good and an easy read - Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella (the author of the Shopaholic books). Otherwise not too much new going on. Wish we would get our wedding album sometime soon!! But I know the photographer was one vacation in March, so we'll see. It'll get here when it gets here I guess! I haven't braved the wash this weekend yet. I'm thinking I might go over to the laundromat tomorrow and do the laundry there. I don't trust the dryer in the building... Otherwise, not much new. Just glad life seems to be looking up. :) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 7th, 2008
1:05 am	I HATE living here 2 It's fucking 1am on a Sunday night (well, Monday morning now) and these teenage idiots that live next door have annoying rap, bass, whatever the hell music going, and it's so damn loud I want to just call the cops on them. I do not appreciate being woken up at 1am on a work night to this shit. I cannot wait to get out of here. (as if that's new) I just wish people had some courtesy for others. I'm sure they're getting high or more likely, are high. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
7:50 pm	Seminar tomorrow ! Eeekk!!! Part of me feels ready for my seminar tomorrow and part of me is freaking out. I just can't wait for it to be over!!! At least my practice talk last week went reasonably well. In under 24 hours it'll be over.... just need to remind myself of that and take my clonazepam tomorrow. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 29th, 2008
8:40 am	I HATE living here I was having such a nice morning, but apparently that's not allowed these days. I started laundry and the dryer was fine for one cycle (I did half the cycle of dryel and then put in the first load for the second half and figured I'd just add more quarters to finish it). I put in 6 more quarters, the dryer doesn't start. I now have two loads of wet laundry and I am very pissed and cannot wait to move. To top it off I don't have enough quarters to finish the laundry over at the laundromat in the complex so I have to go and get more quarters. I hate needing quarters for laundry. This whole damn thing made me cry this morning. And I have been doing so much better this week. Carriage Hill bites. I need to get out of here. (Comment on this)